The Dark of the Night
by Machinocentric
Summary: Stuff happens and it's awesome!
1. Chapter 1

Prologue:

"Achtung! Achtung!" crackled the Furor's voice over the intercom system as the German pilots scrambled across the metal platform which was becoming slippery from the torrential downpour coming down around them. The German pilots scrambled to board their fighting machines, ready to sail across the Atlantic Ocean to America to face the evil forces of Satan and his minions.

Chapter 1:

On that same fateful day, Bella Swan was walking down 69th street under a similar storm. Bella was a hollow shell of a human being with pale skin and an emotionless face. She was hated by just about everyone in the town for being a pretentious b*tch (I plan to sell this to orphans, so unfortunatley I have to censor myself), so no one payed any attention when she suddenly dropped to the ground, dead, for no reason.

No one, that is, except for Jakob Blak. Jakob was a person in much the same vein as Bella, a soulless husk, completely unlikable to anyone. He began to run in slow motion to reach Bella and see what was the matter, but, unfortunately, running in slow motion is something of a hindrance when one is in the middle of the street, and Jakob was flattened by several large trucks, a steamroller, Craig Benzine, a steam locomotive, a Japanese-style mini car, and a horse drawn carriage drawn by horses wearing porcupines for shoes. He died.

Meanwhile, across town, Edward was sitting inside his glass box of a room, moping in his bed as he did every day. The monotony of his self-absorbed sulking was broken when a huge fiery portal opened up in the middle of his room. From the portal emerged a heavily muscled, red-skinned man with black hair, horns, a tail ending in a point, and horns. It was Satan! Edward was scared sh*tless by the entry of the Lord of Darkness into his room, and tried to run.

However, Satan was a bit quicker than the girly-man vampire. With a snap of his clawed fingers, chains of fire materialized from thin air and snaked their way around Edward's effeminate body. The gender ambiguous son of Drakula's cocaine addict was unable to move, rooted to the spot by both the burning chains and the Dark Lord's presence.

"Edward P. Vampire" Satan said in a long, drawling voice like a knife scraping across stone,"Your girly antics and lack of any hint of monstrosity or badassery has been an embarrassment to Vampires everywhere. As you know, Vampires are my servants on earth. So, I am here to make a deal with you. You stop acting like a prissy little pretty-boy, go out and seduce some maidens to sucks their blood, and I won't kill you."

"No!" Edward screamed, "You can't tear me apart from Bella!"

"Then I guess I'll have to settle with just tearing you apart," Satan responded. At his words, the chains beginning to tighten around him, burning flesh and causing him to scream out...

End of Chapter 1 


	2. Chapter 2: The Adventure Continues

After realizing he had killed 2/3 of the Twilight characters he knows in the first chapter, the author inexplicably revived both Bella and Jakob for the sake of the continuation of the story...

Jakob's dog-senses began to tingle, alerting him to Edward's peril. "Hurry Bella, Satan has captured Edward and is trying to turn him into an interesting character!" he exclaimed, shaking her out of her usual bemused state. Bella and Jakob sprinted off towards Edwards house, which was in the woods somewhere.

The pair burst into his room, shocked at seeing Edward in the clutch of the Dark Lord. "Please let him...go," Bella mumbled in her usual way. "Yeah... I'm not gonna do that. Instead, how about I just make both of you my slaves?" Satan said. He gestured at the ground under them, which crumbled away to reveal a fiery pit, and he tossed the possibly-gay werewolf and the emotionlessly troubled youth into the bowels of hell.

"Man, this sure sucks!" spat Jakob angrily after they had landed in a pile of burning rat feces, "We're stuck in hell, and Satan is loose on Earth.! How could things possible get worse?" Bella just stared off into the distance, as usual, and didn't make any attempt at response.

Meanwhile, back on the surface, Satan was gleefully poking Edward with a sharpened pitchfork. "All I have to do is poke you three more times," the Dark Lord cackled, "and I can open a portal to hell and someone all most powerful minions to take over the world!"

"I won't let you get away with this!" Edward said, trying his best to sound intimidating and not like an upset schoolgirl. "Oh really?" asked Satan, "One... Two... Three!"

On the third poke, the earth began to rumble as if it was trying to shake itself apart. Great fissures appeared in the ground all around Small Town MA, spilling smoke, fire, and lava into the air. Towering, twisted hell-beasts arose from the cracks in the earth, devouring the townsfolk and burning their buildings to the ground.

But all hope was not lost, for, at that very minute, the Grand Deutscher Panzerlaufmaschinen, their massive walking machines glinting in the burning light of hell. A sound like a thousand claps of thunder rang out as the German walkers opened fire on the demon forces, artillery shells soaring through the air, pounding the servants of evil into a bloody paste. Twin Spandau machine-guns finished off the fleeing forces of Hell, as their lord Satan stared in disbelief.

With Hell's might demon armies up fighting on the surface, Jakob and Bella were able to sneak out of their fiery prison, somehow ending up somewhere in Arizona. Unfortunately, the ash of hell had darkened their skin, making them look sort of Mexican, so the Arizonians captured them and released them in Mexico.

And as we all know, Mexico is a dangerous place...


	3. Chapter 3: Shine on you Crazy Dumbass

Chapter 3

When we last left our hero and heroine-addict, they were stranded in the middle of Mexico while Edward and the Germans battled for their life against the forces of Satan.

Bella and Jakob walked for what seemed like hours, only stopping when their supermodel bodies couldn't take the intense strain of walking in a straight line. Eventually as the neared the Mexican City of Burrito-Taco-Chimi-Chonga, they spotted a strange shape taking form in the distance. As they neared it, they could make out the outlines of a few scattered huts with concrete barriers strewn about in between.

When they neared the first house, the two stepped up onto the porch and Jakob went to knock. A large, intimidating Mexican man opened the door and stared at them. He got one good luck, and ushered them quickly inside. "Hurry," he said,"We managed to repel them once, but they'll be back for a second attack very soon."

"Who?" asked Bella as she attempted to figure out which of her 3 possible emotions she should be displaying at this bizarre turn of events. "The 'Twilight' fan community!" he exclaimed, "they read this story, and, damn, the backlash was intense. They first attacked our camp at dawn, expecting to find you and..." He was interrupted by the wailing of alarms throughout the building, and the glaring red of emergency lights.

"Sh*t" the Mexican Freedom-Fighter swore, "they're hear, take your positions!" He ushered Bella and Jakob out to a pit dug behind one of the fortifications. "Take these" he said, handing them both an AK-47. Bella stood up and peaked over the fortification.

Hundreds of teenage girls and gay men were charging toward them in a frenzied mob, brandishing guns, pitchforks, torches, chainsaws, pointy sticks, statues of Reese Witherspoon, rocks, and other makeshift weapons, all ready to cut down our heroes.

The Mexican resistance opened fire back at them, a hail of machine gun fire thinning the ranks of the pubescent females and homosexual males. More and more of them collapsed, their "Edward is God" shirts stained with blood. As more and more of them began to reach the front of the trenches, the Mexicans on the front lines pulled out knives and engaged them in hand to hand combat.

Meanwhile, as this epik battle went on, Bella and Jakob just sort of sat there...

********************************************************************************************

After a few hours of brutal fighting, the Twilight Fans realized that the sheer awesomeness of the Mexican Resistance was too much for their anger-fueled anger. Those that were left alive fled, tripping over their counterparts' dead bodies in their effort to get away from the battle.

"Well, looks like you guys are good to go now" the Mexican guy they met earlier said, "Adios!" The Mexicans piled into their hidden underground base, and blasted off into space. And as we all know, space is a dangerous place... but they're not important right now, back to two of the most hateful people in all of literature!

"Well this... is bad," Bella mumbled. "How are we supposed to get home to save Edward and defeat Satan now?" "I know!" Jakob shouted excitedly. "We can call upon the endless power of Craig Benzine!" With that, he stooped down and drew a strange looking symbol in the sand, and proceeded to light it on fire, somehow.

"Oh comedic genius of Craig Benzine, we invoke your majesty to return us to the land of Small Town, Minnesota!" At his words, thunder clapped in the sky and a bearded man in a flannel shirt fell down from the sky to land in front of them. "Yeah, sure guys, I'll take you there. Let's go!"

In an instant, Bella and Jakob found themselves back in their town of Small Town, which, unfortunately, was still besieged by monsters. The German machines were losing ground, as Satan's forces overwhelmed them with superior numbers.

span /span"Hahahahahah!" cackled Satan in a very evil way. "Now, at last, I can flood the earth with my demons and rule it because that's always been my life's dream!"

span /spanTo be continued in some for or another...


	4. Chapter 4: Things Get Weird

Chapter 4

When we last left the two dullest people on the planet, they had escaped Hell and traveled to Arizona, where they were captured and dropped in Mexico. Whilst in Mexico, they aided a group of freedom fighters in a battle against the fan community, who were understandable outraged upon reading this travesty. Upon willing the battle, they returned to Small Town with the help of comedic genius Craig Benzine. Now, face to face with Satan, the final battle can begin...

"Now you pathetic fools, prepare to witness the destruction of you entire world!" Satan cackled, standing atop his throne of skulls. "Oh yeah, not if I have anything to say about it!" Craig retorted triumphantly. He reached behind him and pulled out a massive sword, glowing blue and at least 5 1/2 feet long.

Satan just scoffed "Please, is that supposed to be a threat to me and my absolute power over all evil?" Satan waved his hand, and the ground beneath our heroes split, forcing them to leap away or be swallowed by Hell. From the pit emerged a tall man wearing a tuxedo and top-hat.

"Sweet Jesus!" exclaimed Craig "He's summoned Karl Marx! Karl Marx pulled out an AK-47 and fired up on our heroes. Bella and Jakob would have been punctured like Swiss Cheese, but Craig leapt in front of them, blocking the hail of bullets with his mystical powers. He then attacked Karl Marx back, his large blue saber cutting through the Communist's arm and torso, leaving him mortally wounded.

"So, you managed to beat a single social reformer?" Satan challenged Craig. "How about I pit you against a real challenge. With those words, flames sprouted from Satan's fingers, swirling around him, until they branched off and formed two distinct Trails of Fire.

"The fiery tails slammed into the ground in front of Craig and the Devious Duo, sending a wave of heat over them. From the burning ground emerged two distinct forms. Both female demons, one holding a pair of scythes, the other with twin guns. "Behold you deaths!" Satan boasted triumphantly "Demon sisters Scanty, and Kneesocks."

"Not bad Satan, not bad." Craig said. "Fortunately I brought a friend of my own to play." Right on que, lightning split the sky, and a 28-year-old-man with a goatee and a tie descended from heaven, leaving a crater in the ground as he landed. "Doug Walker here" the Stranger said "And I'm ready to kick your ass, Satan!"

And with that, the two charged the demon sisters, Craig with his magical blue sword, Doug with his favorite gun. Scanty and Kneesocks responded, and the fight was on. The four leaped into the sky, their battle moving so quick that the human eye could hardly follow it. Kneesocks and Craig dueled back and forth with their melee weapons, exchanging blows at a lightning pace, while Scanty and Doug raced after each other, dodging bullets and firing back with their respective guns.

This left Bella and Jakob alone with Satan, who still had Edward chained up nearby. "Don't think you two are going to get off easy" he snickered. "I have a special plan for you." A huge demon arose from the ground behind him, taking the shape of a dragon with 6 heads, 6 legs, and 5 machine-guns strapped to its back. Its towering form dwarfed Bella and Jakob, and they knew that they were screwed.

That is, until, a barrage of missiles screamed in from nowhere, blowing the massive hell-monster to pieces. A platoon of German walkers advanced on them, all weapons blazing. With his demon forces dwindling, and an army of giant robots bearing down on him, the situation looked bad for the Dark Lord.

"Well, you may have beaten me" Satan said, not sounding nearly as frightened as he should have in that situation. But, can you defeat the power of 2 Lords of Death fighting side by side?" With that, a mighty force shook the earth. The forests of Small Town all caught fire or were ripped from the earth. Mountains split, rivers boiled, the sky turned blacker than the blackest black, times infinity. A great rift appeared in the sky, and from it descended a shapeless evil, a nightmare that had long gone from mankind, but still loomed on the edge of its collective unconscious, a terror that had last its name and face long ago.

And behind it was standing the real thing Satan had summoned, his equally evil cousin, Lucifer! Lucifer looked pretty much just like Satan, except he had a mullet. Now that's some serious evil.

Accompanying Lucifer was his special demonic bodyguard, a horde of some of the most gruesome, hateful, evil, and nightmarish demons that had ever been spawned from mankind's collective evil. The twisted monsters descended onto Small Town, re-engaging the German fighters that had killed so many of their brethren. Brilliant flashes from machine-guns and and artillery split the night. The demon army slammed into the Germans, tearing their machines asunder with their bare fists, and then trampling the pieces into the ground. The German weaponry cut through the demons' ranks, machine guns and explosives splitting their horrific bodies, but it was not enough. The Germans fell back until their machines were backed up against the ocean.

The situation looked grave, as the combined force of the two dark lords took its toll on the forces of good. Craig and Doug were wearing down in their fight against the demon sisters, the German forces were outnumbered and outmaneuvered, and Bella, Edward, and Jakob weren't really helping in any way.

But the fight wasn't over yet. The battle had shaken both heaven and earth, and soon, all the stereotypes were gathering from every continent on earth. An army of fancy art critics marched from France, a legion of communists with goofy beards embarked from Russia, and a force of overweight men with big mustaches and plates of pasty began their march in Italy.

The Stereotype Army met around small town, and, overcoming all language barriers, descended from the mountains that are (for some reason) encircling small town, using their pizzas, paintbrushes, kegs of bear, awesome dance moves, silly hats, and heavy metal guitars to pulverize Satan and Lucifer's armies, and push the demon forces back until they surrounded Satan and Lucifer on the pedestal.

Meanwhile, up in the air, Craig and Doug combined their powers, forming a force so unimaginably hilarious that Scanty and Kneesocks's sex appeal was no match, and they were thrown from the sky to land painfully in the forests around Small Town, where they were forgotten.

It finally looked as if good had won out, but, it was not so. Because Satan and Lucifer had one more tricks up their sleeves.

"Well done everyone" Satan chuckled sarcastically. "You managed to defeat our entire army of demons. But, can you defeat yourselves?" He waved his hand, and a portal opened up behind him, and from it stepped a horror of horrors, the one thing that could ruin such an assured victory.

The daughter, of Bella and Edward.

"Yes!" Lucifer said triumphantly. "The two most boring characters in all of fiction have created a child. A child which is so infuriatingly boring, it will sucks all your emotions out of you, leaving you with nothing left but pure hatred!" He was right, the sheer boring-ness of the offspring of two incredibly boring characters caused the entire stereotype army to begin fighting amongst themselves, until they had killed each other off, their insultingly racist corpses lying broken on the ground.

So, to recap, this leaves pretty much: Bella, Edward, and Jakob, all alone against Satan and Lucifer.

Somehow, something epik might happen, so I'll see you around for the epik conclusion of...

...whatever the hell this thing is.  



	5. Chapter 5: Electric Boogaloo

(Entire Chapter written with no dialogue)

Chapter 5

The Battle for Small Town had left the little Minnesota city in ruins. The ground was split by a thousand fissures, criss-crossing and zigzagging through the forest, which had been rent asunder by the duels between demons and not-demons. Now, the armies were all dead, and only the leaders were left. It was time for Bella, Edward, and Jakob to face off against Satan and Lucifer.

The three had no time to react, as Lucifer transformed instantly into a giant monster, with so many heads, arms, legs, tails, and other mysterious appendages sticking out of so many places you couldn't tell what it was supposed to be. The heroes despaired, knowing they could never win a battle against such a horrifying beast.

But it was not the end! In a flash, a beat up 70's model car with a strange mechanical contraption grafted to the back of it appeared from thin air. It was Marty McFly, and his time machine, the Dolorian! Marty stepped out of the car, and shot the Lucifer-Monster right in the balls. The monster let out a fearsome howl, and disintegrated.

Satan, infuriated at the loss of his cousin, leaped at Bella. Just as he was about to stab her with the pitchfork, Jakob jumped in the way, got stabbed instead, and died. Bella ran, knowing the only way to defeat Satan was to go back in time and make it so that he never existed.

She jumped in Marty's Time machine, and set the date to "Beginning of the Universe." She drove away from Satan, gaining speed until she was rocketing along at 88 MPH, and traveled back to the beginning of the universe, expecting to find God and tell him not to make a Satan.

But instead she found... Lord Xenu! Apparently, the scientologists were right! She went up to Lord Xenu and asked him why Satan still existed even if Christian Mythology was false. Xenu explained that Satan wasn't really the Lord of the Dead, he was just an internet troll who managed to achieve extreme power.

Xenu said that the only way to stop Satan from existing was to go back in time and find Al Gore before he made the internet, and punch him in the face and tell him not to. So Bella set her time machine for whenever Al Gore made teh Interwebz, and blasted off again.

She found Al Gore sitting at a computer, about to upload the Internet to computers everywhere. But she punched him in the face and told him not to, because Satan would be spawned from a net troll. Al Gore said that stopping creation of the internet wouldn't stop creation of Satan, because Satan would instead evolve out of a used-car salesman named Stan.

He told her that the only real way to prevent Satan from existing would be to find the first people who wrote the Bible and give them "100 Ways to Cook a Duck" instead. So she went back to sometime BC and found a bearded guy writing a scroll. She hit him with a rock, took the scroll away, and replaced it with the "Duck" book. She burned the scroll at a nearby barbecue.

When Bella returned home, she thought that all would be good again. But no, because, apparently, her parents had met at a Christian gathering, so, without religion, Bella would never have existed, but if Bella had never existed, there would have been no Bella to erase Christianity from existence forever, so her parents would have met, and she would exist, so now there was a space time continuum paradox!

Bella went back to the beginning of the universe to try to find Lord Xenu again, but he wasn't there! Instead, the Christian God and Allah were both there! (They are brothers.) Somehow, the paradox had altered the time continuum to a state where there was no paradox!

But now, since God and Allah existed, Satan also existed again. So now, Bella had to go forward to the Fall of Lucifer, and sneak into heaven to convince Lucifer not to betray God by leaving the bread in the freezer, thereby making sure that he didn't fall from grace and become the lord of darkness.

But, doing this left room for someone else to misplace the bread, which Jesus did the very next day. So instead, Jesus was cast down from heaven and became the Dark Lord Hades.

When Bella returned to her own time, Jesus was continuing his 666,000 year long rampage, destroying everything on earth. At the very end he launched a mighty world-blower-upper bomb which arched into space, and came to fall down on earth.

But, all this only happened because Satan forced Bella to go back in time in order to defeat him. If Satan didn't exist, Bella wouldn't have gone back in time and changed it so that God did exist. If God did not exist, then there would be no universe, and, if there were no universe, there would have been no Bella to cause Satan to cause her to go back in time do all this, and that means that Lord Xenu would still be in charge, but there was no internet, so Satan still couldn't exist which means the time stream couldn't have been altered and there wouldn't be Bella so this story would be entirely pointless!

AND THEN THE ENTIRE F*CKING STORY EXPLODES!

thank you for reading

the end

Meanwhile, up in the air, Craig and Doug combined their powers, forming a force so unimaginably hilarious that Scanty and Kneesocks's sex appeal was no match, and they were thrown from the sky to land painfully in the forests around Small Town, where they were forgotten.

It finally looked as if good had won out, but, it was not so. Because Satan and Lucifer had one more tricks up their sleeves.

"Well done everyone" Satan chuckled sarcastically. "You managed to defeat our entire army of demons. But, can you defeat yourselves?" He waved his hand, and a portal opened up behind him, and from it stepped a horror of horrors, the one thing that could ruin such an assured victory.

The daughter, of Bella and Edward.

"Yes!" Lucifer said triumphantly. "The two most boring characters in all of fiction have created a child. A child which is so infuriatingly boring, it will sucks all your emotions out of you, leaving you with nothing left but pure hatred!" He was right, the sheer boring-ness of the offspring of two incredibly boring characters caused the entire stereotype army to begin fighting amongst themselves, until they had killed each other off, their insultingly racist corpses lying broken on the ground.

So, to recap, this leaves pretty much: Bella, Edward, and Jakob, all alone against Satan and Lucifer.

Somehow, something epik might happen, so I'll see you around for the epik conclusion of...

...whatever the hell this thing is.  



End file.
